Fear of the Lord

Fear is a struggle for me.  At times, I have been afraid of very specific things that are external to me.  Cancer, dating, and Hell come to mind.  (Dating doesn't seem to fit in with cancer and Hell, does it? :) 

At other times, like more recently, I have been afraid of myself.  I have wondered if I could do anything that would make my friends, or family, or the Lord reject me.  This fear, the fear of doing something wrong, has controlled me at times in the past couple of months.  And I have got to tell y'all- the fear of whether or not people would reject me loomed much LARGER than God's possible rejection. 

I've realized that the things I fear are the things I can be in slavery to- I have feared failure which means I have been a slave to success.  I have feared people disapproving of me which means I have been a slave to the approval of others.  I have feared loneliness which means I have been a slave to intimacy however false or contrived.  And, please don't misunderstand me.  I think we all fear these things to a degree, but I am talking about when the fears consume your thoughts and prevent you from pursuing LIFE :)

I have always wondered why in the Bible, the "fear of the Lord" was a good thing. 


Fear of ___________ (person in my life) meant that I 1) doubted their love for me 2) wondered when they would get tired of me 3) avoided all their eye contact  4) stuttered around them  or 5) didn't confront them when they hurt me / didn't apologize when I hurt them.

So, why would I fear the Lord when this was what is was like for me to fear a person?


Because if I fear God, I can be a slave to HIM.  And, I'm realizing, being a slave to the Lord is the truest kind of freedom there is.  When the Prodigal Son came back to his Father after squandering his Father's money, he asked his Father if he could be one of his slaves (hired servants, technically).  The Father, instead, dressed him in a robe and placed a ring on his finger and threw him a banquet.  The Father says to his servants "For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found."  Being a slave to the Lord means being His daughter.  Fear of the Lord means trusting His character.  He is a good Master and Lord- He will never abandon me, misunderstand me, lead me on an ultimately destructive path, did I say He will never leave me?  That's a big one for me.

Why would I not want to be a slave to a Master like that?  I won't have to second-guess His love.  I won't have to fear rejection. 

I might just want to replace my fear of everything else with a fear of the Lord.

Life Goal

Hi Friends, 

I hope you all are well.  Life has been full, lately.  When people say their life is "full" I assume they mean full of good, successful, productive ventures.  But when I say "full" tonight, I mean it has been full of growth.  And you know what growth means.... uncomfortableness! awkwardness! change! having to rely on the Lord!  Nonetheless, growth is good.  In times of a lot of growth, I feel the need for constant affirmation.  Just like a baby taking toddling steps toward her oohing and ahhing mom and dad, I need messages of love from the Lord and close friends to continue to move forward instead of back into comforting sameness. 

I sometimes read a blog called "Experimental Theology" written by a psychology professor from Abilene Christian University in Texas.  The professor posted a great quote by Dorothy Day that I want to share.  During this season of feeling needy for love and affirmation, this quote reminded me of what I want my life to be about- loving others.  Sometimes, loving others doesn't feel successful and productive, but it does make your life so much more full. 

"Even the best of human love is filled with self-seeking. To work to increase our love for God and for our fellow man (and the two must go hand in hand), this is a lifetime job. We are never going to be finished.

Love and ever more love is the only solution to every problem that comes up. If we love each other enough, we will bear each other's faults and burdens. If we love enough, we are going to light that fire in the hearts of others. And it is love that will burn out the sins and hatreds that sadden us. It is love that will make us want to do great things for each other. No sacrifice and no suffering will then seem too much.

Yes, I see only too clearly how bad people are. I wish I did not see it so. It is my own sins that give me such clarity. If I did not bear the scars of so many sins to dim my sight and dull my capacity for love and joy, then I would see Christ more clearly in you all.

I cannot worry much about your sins and miseries when I have so many of my own. I can only love you all, poor fellow travelers, fellow sufferers. I do not want to add one least straw to the burden you already carry. My prayer from day to day is that God will so enlarge my heart that I will see you all, and live with you all, in His love."

This is who I want to be: a lover of people and of the Lord.  I can only do this when I receive the constant affirmations of love from the Lord and people.  Good night!

Snapshots from the road trip to California

Dear friends,

     Day # 3 of teaching has passed.  The weeks leading up to school beginning proved to be incredibly fleeting.  Therefore, I want to re-visit some wonderful memories from the road trip Meg Butler and I took to California.  It was a three-week marathon of winding drives through mountains, conversations in which we thought about how we felt, and joyful homecomings in different states with different friends.  I will always treasure the time we spent.

    During the three weeks, Meg and I kept a list of things we were thankful for called "the gratitude journal."  This idea is entirely un-original!  It comes from the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp which I think I have already mentioned on this blog.  So, can I share pictures and thankfulnesses???  Great, let's begin.

#2 Dinner at Jennifer Martin's apartment- homemade sage pasta with cream sauce

#20 Watching our skin ripple under the hand blow dryers at the gas stop.


#31 Australian accents (my friend Suzy Allen's mother)


#43 Getting out of the state of Kansas


#62 Beautiful morning drive into the Tetons accompanied by Mumford and Sons


#92  The reality of awesomeness of the Ship's Inn (in Eureka, CA)


#104 Reaching the high notes on "All by Myself"


#137 Smoky room at Harrah's made us appreciate clean air



#156 Mr. Gramling cleaning out our cooler and car



#180 That God cares about us

#201 Steve the car (Meg's Nissan Maxima

My dear friend Marie's decision to see God differently

My first semester of college I was in a biology class taught by a brand new teacher at Wheaton- Dr. Campbell.  He encouraged me greatly not really in my study of biology (his love was the study of mollusks!) but in my view of myself.  He suffered, I think, from fear of public speaking and also stuttered a bit.  Yet, even though we clearly made him nervous, he continued to teach us every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and a 730 am lab on Thursdays.  Before every class, he would read from the Westminster Catechism.  I think he realized that we were all tired at 730 in the morning and sometimes he would make us repeat after him the words of the catechism.  The only part I remember from it is : "The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever."  This part did not fill me with joy, but with a sense of disappointment.  So, the chief end of man to sing praises to God and for us to behold him, a man on a stage in heaven?  Clap for him, wave at him, make plays and movies about him?  I did and sometimes still do place God in the role of a famous preacher who is too busy to speak with me one-on-one, or a president/king who spends time with his advisors but not with common people like me. 
I forgot, as Marie points out in her blog, that not only does the Lord want us to enjoy Him forever, but He wants to enjoy us forever.  We are His kids who He always has time for.  We are constantly on His mind.  I don't know that He will be on a stage in Heaven so that all of us can see Him, but He might be sitting with all of us somehow at a table, eating and talking with Him forever!!!!! 

I encourage y'all to read this! 


http://acheerfulsquire.wordpress.com/2011/06/14/to-the-just-you-show-yourself-just/

Waiting and Writing

This past weekend, my brother Will graduated from high school and I finished my first year of teaching.

Lots of family came in support of Will’s accomplishment: both grandmothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, best friends.

Our family came of course: Mom, Papa, and me.  Sara is in Peru with SMP (Student ministry partners), a Wheaton-sponsored mission trip.  You can read about her adventures here.

I have been thinking about the sound of the word, the verb, graduate.  Let me phonetically spell it out grad- u- wait.  At least, that it how I say it.  If you are from Maryland, or some other state in which residents do not possess a Southern accent, then you may say it a bit faster.  However, the verb graduate has the word “wait” in it either way J

Waiting.  Will is waiting to leave his only home at the end of the summer. 

When I graduated from college, I waited the entire summer for a teaching job.

Before a graduation, there is usually anxious/excited waiting.  Waiting for the graduation, which, when over, brings more of the same: waiting. 

This summer, I am waiting to see if I can find another job other than the one I have.  My mentor Annie Michaels used to tell me that there would always be a “next thing” while living here on earth.  We are not static but always changing.  Graduate from high school, graduate from college, find a job, find a community, find relationships/marriage, have children possibly, grow old, die. 

Instead of spending my life waiting for the next big thing: marriage, having kids, etc. I want to spend it enjoying. 

Writing for me is a way to enjoy life instead of constantly wrinkling my forehead and balling my fists in preparation for the next “thing.”   Ann Voskamp reminded me of this in her book One Thousand Gifts.  She quotes Annie Dillard:

‘Seeing is of course very much a matter of verbalization.  Unless I call my attention to what passes before my eyes, I simply won’t see it….I have to say the words, describe what I’m seeing….But if I want to notice the lesser cataclysms of valley life, I have to maintain in my head a running description of the present.’

If I don’t write, I may not see.  I may not realize the parts of the story that have already happened.  Have you ever wanted to rewind a certain season in your life so you could actually experience it?  Maybe that is why I love home videos so much. 

So, here are some of the things I experienced today: I opened a new certificate of deposit at the bank because my old one had “matured.”  I cooked chicken divan.  I put a fork in a half lemon and squeezed.  Out came lemon juice!  I read Psalm 89.  I swam with Lauren and played volleyball in the pool.  Sun burned my skin.  I watched Army Wives with Mom on Netflix.  I got Pilgrim’s Progress by John Bunyan and will begin reading it tomorrow (I can’t decide- abridged or unabridged…).  I lived!

In other news, my swing outside has been fixed.

Question for you dear friends: Have you ever wanted to rewind a certain season in your life so you could actually experience it?  Why were you not fully present in the moment?  How would it be different experiencing it this time around?

Loneliness

In our Discipleship Small Group Cabinet retreat at the beginning of my senior year, five other Wheaton College seniors and I decided that the biggest problem facing students was loneliness.  I’ll never forget what one of the Cabinet members said about it.  He said that loneliness was often the root cause of all the bad behavior/painful feelings that go on in college. 

I was told that this year would be incredibly lonely at times.  My roommates of four years, my professors who I trusted, my mentors, my small group, and my church of which I had just become a member (Church of the Resurrection!) would become memories, and I would have to make the transition to an adult life (read into this: loneliness).

The night before I graduated, I made a quick run to Walgreens on Main Street, and as I was turning onto Harrison Street to return to my off-campus house, I began weeping.  “This is the last time I will turn onto Harrison as a college student” I thought.  As I was dramatically weeping/exhaling loudly, I felt an incredible loss.  I could not imagine life without my beautiful friends, my community in Wheaton, my FAMILY.

The people who told me that this year would be incredibly lonely at times were right.  The transition is difficult- and at times I have felt un-known by nearly everyone I came into contact with.

So, it is surprising to me that my students have become part of my community here in Dothan.  One of my students told me today “Ms. Johnson, you know you love our class best.”  He was trying to manipulate me into giving them a free day (teenagers never manipulate grown-ups, right?)

He continued:  “When second period comes into your class, you tense up and you look like you are dreading it.  But, when we come in during fifth period, a big smile comes across your face.  And that’s because you like us best.”  Then, another one of my students chimed in, “I look forward to this class every day.  I’m not just saying that.”  Then,  she said “Ms. Johnson, we know you are just waiting to see what we have to say today.  You are always so surprised by what we say.  You know you love us.”

They are right.  I do love them.  They can read my expressions (not like that’s ever been hard- right roomies??)  And, I can read their expressions too.  We are getting to know each other.

They may have the strongest southern accents I have ever heard, and they may never understand why I chose to go to a college a thousand miles away from the home of the National Peanut Festival and the Azalea trail, but I think they may know me. 

These are thoughts from a (currently broken) swingset.

It was a dare...

        The swingset is where I do some of my thinking and daydreaming.  I swing on the swingset every day after I teach high school students.  As a kid, swinging was as regular to me as a Boy Meets World re-run and an afterschool snack.  As an adult, swinging on the swingset is still as familiar for me as watching the news and the first cup of coffee on Monday morning.  It's funny- I think I may swing more now than I did as a kid.  Maybe I need it more- I did say that I teach teenagers. 

        In this blog, I look forward to sharing thoughts on growing up, teaching, learning, and faith.  Thoughts I think while on the swingset.

Props to Peyton and Alicia for kicking me in the rear to get this started!